So after being told my eyes are soul sucking black holes when I don’t look like they’re glowing and glittery what did I do? I get second opinions. That was actually quite uplifting because not one person I asked for a second opinion agreed… yet. Then I got quite the flip-flop from people on my bad days. Then suddenly everyone was coming up and saying they knew exactly what I meant and that my eyes did indeed turn black when I’m angry or upset, but look shiny and bright when I’m happy. Well needless to say that isn’t what I was hoping for. On the bright side though it could be worse, they could have agreed that I look like I wear mascara. There’s always that.

There’s always another way to look at it. You don’t always want to stray too far from the pack, there’s a word for that. In fact there are several words for it, and all of them sound illegitimate unless coming from a psychiatrist. I’ve been called crazy, insane, psychotic, nuts, bat shit, a lunatic and one of my personal favorites is being told I was a perfect fit for a straight jacket. I’ll admit I have a firm grip on reality but that I frequently toy with the idea of whether sanity is even worth holding onto. Some people cling to sanity like a security blanket. I really think sanity holds you back. Sanity is that part of your brain that restrains you from actually running where it wants to, thinking like a crazy person. If you maintain your grip on reality but let your consciousness roam free through the land of the lunatics then you have a lot more fun.

I think that’s the best way I can explain the way I try to think. Not just trying to see different points of view on things, although I definitely try to more than most. What I really mean is letting my mind go where it will. I think as artists most of us have an idea of what I mean and that’s where the best creativity comes from. Think about it, writers block. Every artist gets it, writers just kind of have the title for it. I know I’ve had my fair share of times when I just couldn’t create. When I think about it those are the times I just felt too constricted. The little demon in my head wasn’t running around having fun, breaking shit, and enjoying life. That’s just plain boring. The more destructive my inner demon, the more productive my imagination.

Beauty spawns from destruction. Sometimes it’s true, but even in that is a bit of a skewed outlook on things. That’s when things get really good. When you look at things outside the norm and find things that are extremely enthralling. I’ve never liked the phrase “don’t knock it til you try it” mostly because it sounds only semi-literate and monosyllabic, but again its true. Looking at things you wouldn’t normally give a chance is the only way you experience anything new and in many cases the best way to grow.

I’ll give you a perfect example. When I was in middle school circa 8th or 9th grade I was just starting to get into new types of music. My older brother had introduced me to the greatest music known to man, heavy metal. He started me on a diet of Pantera, Tool, and Ozzy Osbourne. I’ll restrain myself from going on and on about those bands simply to say that when I was introduced to them it was more addictive than heroin and anything else you can think of. However I held back from listening to many bands just based on their names, Godsmack, Smashing Pumpkins, and Slipknot. I had in fact heard each of these bands at some point and greatly enjoyed their music although I didn’t know it. What I didn’t like was the opinion some people had of them. When I actually gave them a chance not only was my reaction one of great enjoyment but of surprise since all the songs I heard sounded very familiar. Once I gave it my own sampling I greatly enjoyed it. Slipknot in fact is one of my favorite bands to this day, just don’t get me started on their latest album. Once I gave them a shot and a fair one, I loved it. Once I tried to open myself to what their fans had enjoyed, I found myself carried away with it as well. I’d like to think that to some extent my inner demon is roaming the same territory the artists roamed through when they created it.

I started applying this to everything around me. Art I saw. People I met. Places I went. And then to the things I created and explored as part of myself. The art I created. The person I try to be. One of my favorite pictures to draw, one of the most free-flowing is “… Body Will Die” which my family took one look at and said was twisted and sick. I took that as a compliment. My inner demon cracked a smile. He goes absolutely wild when I browse DeviantArt. I see stuff that is skilled and cultured all over the place but some of the work I enjoy the most is what many would politely describe as fucked up. Macabre artwork, nude photography up to and including some fetish work are all just a few of the categories I’ve explored with results I didn’t expect. If you look at something you would initially think is twisted, pause and find some way to put it away for safe keeping, then a week or two later come back and look at it again, and again and again. There’s no right amount of times to try it, just try. If you projectile vomit at the sight of it, I’d probably stop at one viewing, but short of that there’s only so much damage a repeat viewing of something you’ve already seen can do to you. Same with music. Unless your ears bleed, you may want to listen to something again later. Let your inner demon see those things. Sometimes he’ll hoot and holler. Sometimes he’ll just sit there staring and wondering what kind of craziness he’s looking at, but oddly intrigued all the same. Sometimes he’ll get a little turned on, he is a demon after all. Sometimes he’ll sit there, completely still, mouth agape beholding the wondrous spectacle before him. Those are my favorite. Those are the moments I live for. When my inner voice just says softly, “Holy fucking shit, look over there. Do you see what I see?” Those are fun times, when my inner demon sees something that makes him believe in god.

Don’t get me wrong, my inner demon sees some things and coughs to cover himself yelling “You Freak.” and tries to hold back his own projectile vomit. I’ve seen a lot of sick shit. But I’ll keep looking, because even those places I see sick, twisted, fucked up things I occasionally find a real gem. And some of them occasionally grow on me. But I’ll tell you this, those ugly places make me appreciate the beautiful ones even more. Without the dark you can’t properly appreciate light. And all around us there are bright, shining, glittering things to enjoy. DeviantArt is a great showcase for this, some things aren’t that great (we all had our beginnings) but others are flabbergasting. Let your inner demon roam free and gather them up. Let him look out from behind your eyes and tell you “Now that is pretty damn cool. I want one.” Maybe that’s why my eyes do what they do. They’re bright and shiny when I see something I enjoy because my inner self soaks it up for all its worth. When I’m pissed, he’s not having any of it. He’s sitting there with his arms crossed impatiently saying “Fuck this shit.” *Cough* “You freak!!”

I think I just finally got it. My eyes don’t get bright when I’m happy, they’re just being exposed to more glaring things they enjoy. When I’m angry they’re not black holes, it’s the world around me that’s a vacuum sucking the light and life out of it.

If you disagree file this away, come back and read it again sometime and put it up for judgment again. This is just the way I see it.